"That girl"

This is for anyone who is or have been quick to judge "that girl" who wears to much make up, fake eye lashes, hair, nails, or maybe you saw a girl wearing too little clothing, their skirts to short, shirt to low, and judgmental thought pops in your head, "that whore" or "she's a slut." This is a message for the girls who are "that girl," suffering from low self esteem.

It's so easy to judge someone by their appearance. Especially, if that particular person doesn't look, walk, talk or act like the "average" person. It seems we make sure to continue those judgmental thoughts, as long as that person is in our presences. We don't stop to think, why? Why is she wearing so much make up, why is she wearing all those fake items, why is it impossible for her to just put some clothes on, or stop changing her hair color? Maybe someone you know dresses like this, and think "she's such a pretty girl without all that crap, and would look so much prettier if she would just put some decent clothes on."

Appearance isn't the only thing that causes us to judge "that girl." Some actions she may take can really stir up some bad names for herself. Then, regardless of how she looks, she is now, because of her actions, "That whore" or "she's a slut, I've heard the things, and people she has done."

Again, not asking why? Why is she acting out in such away, or the one's who consider "that girl" to be an attention whore, don't stop their, remind yourself that she maybe suffering from low self esteem, and don't know how else to handle it. It's not that she was born with low self esteem, it's just the people she's been around has brought her down so bad, that she can't find the beauty that's inside her. So, she hides. 

You can call me a hypocrite for preaching on this subject, simply because, I am one of those people who has seen "that girl" wearing to much make up, fake from head to toe, clothes way to skimpy, and I've met "that girl" and over heard things that she has done, or maybe hasn't. Automatically, looking at her as this disgusting, trashy whore, who is going to get aids, so I instantly don't like her, and when her name is mentioned I have bad things to say about "that girl," spreading those nasty judgmental thoughts. Never, did I ask myself, why she is wearing the things she is, and acting the way she does? I say I'm a hypocrite for preaching about this, because I was "that girl" who struggled with low self esteem for nearly 14 years, and still do from time to time. 

See, I was never the pretty girl growing up. My best friend was. Tall, blonde, pretty,  great sense in fashion, and all the boys wanted her, here at the age of 8. I'd always wondered why she was friends with me, the fat girl who walked funny, instead of the preps. I got called fat the majority of my childhood, but not by the kids at school, well I did, but it was rare. I was being bullied at home.

As I got older, the weight slowly started to drop off, mainly through starvation and drugs. I rarely ate, I even tried throwing up, at the age of 13. I went a week without eating anything, but maybe a cracker or two. A friend noticed I wasn't doing so good one day on the bus, as we headed home from school. I was very pale, extremely tired, and could barely keep my eyes open and head up. She asked what was wrong with me, I'd just shake my head at her. Then she asked if I had eaten anything, and when I didn't respond she knew then that I was starving myself. She asked how long it had been since I had something to eat, after I mumbled about a week, she freaked, and said she was going to force food down my throat when we got home. I ignored her and laid my head down to sleep, every time my friend would give me a good nuge to keep me awake, afraid I may actually pass out not wake up. She helped me off the bus and to my house. She made me a sandwich and told me to eat, I shook my head no, she then held my weak head back and literally shoved it in my mouth, made me chew and gave me no option but to swallow. 

I still struggled to make myself eat afterwards, I felt fat and ugly. The only time I ate was when I smoked weed, and or drank a lot of liquor. Other wise, after consuming any other substance, I refused to eat, really I didn't want to lose my high, they were to expensive to blow, plus when I took them, it became an excuse for me not to eat. The guy I was dating during my addiction would try to get me to eat, but I just wouldn't. 

When I was 16, I started taking a birth control shot, called the Depo shot. I gained a lot of weight, because of this shot. After I finally got down to 160, I got close to 200 pounds, mainly from water weight, aside affect from the shot,  but it also made me eat.  I through a fit and told my mom and granny that I refuse to take the shot, and wouldn't go back to the doctor to get it. I wanted so badly to lose all that weight I had gained, I ate maybe one meal a day, not eat even a full meal. My meal or meals would consist of very small proportions. Like, a can of fruit, or vegetables. Sometimes, I would actually eat a full meal, but every time I did, I felt guilty about it, and wish I would have not eaten, and plan to skip the next meal. I broke down and bought some diet pills. They helped to keep your metabolism going all day and night. With the pills, starving myself, and some exercising, I lost the weight. But, it wasn't enough, and I still didn't feel pretty. I rarely ate in front of people I didn't know so well, or wouldn't eat a lot. Cookouts, or outings with friends and their families, even though the food looked and smelt so good, and I wanted so bad to eat, I just felt like they would judge me by my weight, from what I ate, and how much of it I ate. For years, I struggled with this problem. With this problem, along with side affects from overdosing, I was severely anemic. I had to take iron, and when I didn't would get so sick. Also, between withdrawals,  and not eating properly I got the worst stomach cramps a person could have. I put myself through all kinds of pain, from not eating properly. For years, I spent a lot of my days feeling under the weather, from lack of nutritions. 

My weight fluctuated up and down for years. But, still I could never find any comfort in my own body. I hated my skin, my hair, everything about me. Back during my goth days, I most certainly over did my make up, by using a lot of dark colors. My eyeliner was on so heavy, I looked like I had been punched in both eyes. I wore the skimpy skirts, fishnets stockings, or thigh highs with my converses. You could say I dressed pretty slutty, a little too slutty for my age. I stayed in this "slutty phase" from ages 13-18. Although, I didn't dress that way so often, as I got older and started to semi-respect myself. 

When I was 15, I would clean and babysit for my cousin, in return of drugs and alcohol. My cousin always called me her "little slut maid." Because, I wore corsets for shirts, mini skirts, fishnets and converses. But, during those times, I didn't care what anyone said, it wasn't until I started respecting myself I cared. 

                          
                           (2008-18 yrs old, probably the longest skirt I had at the time)

I continued with the short skirts, but changed my style up a bit. I wasn't dressing so skimpy, but I started wearing fake eyelashes, I calmed down on the dark make up, but I didn't lighten up on it, I just swapped to very colorful colors.

 After stocking up on several different eyelashes, I didn't realize the difficulty of putting them on, so they don't look fake, and if you messed up, you had to start completely over. Maybe, it is simpler for others to put them on, but as for me, for the longest I would have to make several attempts to get them looking right.

What I like most about my body, is my hair, yet at the same time I hate it! I hated the color, the length, the cut, and so on. So, I continued to dye it every color you could possibly think of, until I decided to dye it black, and learned that I was allergic to permeant hair dye. The term "beauty is pain" is most certainly a true statement, and the sad thing is, even though I knew I was allergic, and after breaking out in hives, all throughout my face and head, two years later, I dyed my hair black again, and broke out even worse this time! 

The pictures below were taken after I got back from the hospital, to receive a shot i've received many times. As a person with sensitive skin, I had/have to be very careful with the type of jewelry I wore/wear, like nickel, which I am highly allergic too. When I did where it, I would break out around that area, and as for my ears, from the fake earrings, they broke out in a sore, that took forever to heal, mainly because I refused to not wear my jewelry. But, I didn't care, I was going to wear my jewelry, regardless of what it did to my body.

Before I went to the hospital the night I dyed my hair, again. My forehead was so swollen with some liquid, my eyes looked sunk in and, well the best way I describe my look was that I looked a little like ET with my giant forehead. By the time I got to the hospital, where my hairline is, had started pouring out the liquid that had caused my head to swell. I was given the shot, and it started clearing up about an hour later, but....

The mornings to follow were miserable! When I woke up, both of my eyes were swollen shut, and crusty, for several days this went on. My ears had been infected as well. Through out the nights my face, ears and head itched so bad, and every time I scratched, the tiny bumps would bust open, causing the liquid inside to get all over my hands. 

I don't know exactly how I serviced this allergic reaction, but at that moment I would have rather been dead. First, I couldn't wash my hair, due to all the sores on my head, which the doctor considered to be chemical burns. Second, I couldn't sleep a full night sleep without feeling that horrible itching sensation, and the worst part of all, I was far from pretty!! Even though the swelling went down, the sores healed, and everything went back to normal, the rash it left, took forever to go away, and when I covered it with make up, it just made it worse. 

Needless to say, I stopped using permit hair dye. I stopped dying my hair all together, for a little while. But, I still hated my hair and I couldn't dye it! So, I started wearing hair extensions. 

I was determined, to have long, black, straight hair! Regardless, of what I had to do, or wear to get it. The extensions started wearing out after using them so much, and were to expensive to buy, so I started dying my hair, again. Using temporary dye, which didn't bother me. Except, I decided to put blue in my hair. Which, involved bleaching my hair, so I did. Afraid, and taking a chance, hoping that I wouldn't have a reaction to the bleaching product, everything came out fine. Until, the blue started washing out and started turning a grayish, green color. I had to do something about this. I decided to go to a beauty shop and get my hair professionally dyed. I thought maybe it was just the black, which has mercury in it, and like everything else, I am highly allergic too. Instead of black, or my natural dark brown hair color, I chose auburn. Although, it didn't break me out even close to how it did the first two times before, only breaking out around my hairline, me and my boyfriend at the time, sat in the emergency room for several hours on Thanksgiving day, to get that one shot, to cure my stupidity. 

I'm not saying that it's bad to dress up from time to time, to look cute. But, I was hiding behind my clothes, make up, fake hair and eyelashes. Not, just from the person I hated seeing in the mirror, but hiding from my mistakes, problems, and depression. I didn't want the world to see me. 

I say I was hiding behind my clothes, what clothes, right? If I was barely dressed. I dressed the way I did, because it made me feel pretty. Yes, I got more attention for dressing that way, not that I was an "attention whore" I was and am actually a very shy person, but knowing it drew some sort of attention towards me, gave me confidence, but in all the wrong ways.

Things I had done, and the way I was dressing gave me a reputation, that still follows me to day. All because one person heard things that was not true, and judged me by my appearance, and actions I took after. I didn't always dress in my shortest skirts, I wore my baggy, trip pants, with chains that hung from each side. So I was "that scary, crazy, slut, goth girl" in school. All the girls were afraid of me, and all the guys were seeking one thing from me. No, I have not slept with a ton of guys, like most people think I have. Though, it's a single digit number, more than one guy is too many for a girl to have slept with. When my mom found out I was sexually active, I was forced once a year to be checked out by a gynecologist, to make sure I hadn't contracted anything. 

The point I'm making here, is no matter what you have heard, or what "that girl" may look like through her appearance, don't be so quick to judge. That scary goth, or slut down the street, is just another lost person, looking to find love, acceptance, and beauty. Though, through their actions it may seem as if they are trying to seek this love, and acceptance from the world, but in reality deep down, they are searching for these things from themselves. If a girl has been shown nothing but disrespect, then how is she suppose to know how to respect herself?

It's only been here recently I've found love, acceptance and beauty within myself, and from myself. I have learned to respect myself and stand up for myself. I tried hard for many years to reach this level of confidence. Every time I thought I had some, it got ripped away from me, through negative actions and words from others. My past never seemed to cease. Throughout the years of fighting this issue I had, I felt as if I were above "that girl" or "that whore" because I was trying to better myself. Forgetting, where I was coming from.

"All she really wanted was a gentlemen, but never loved herself for the skin she in." – Tom P

Back to the statement I made about how a person is suppose to know how to respect themselves, if they have never been shown respect. Girls tend to act out quicker than guys. Especially, if they grew up with daddy issues. I had a friend once tell me, the reason why she hopped  from guy to guy, was because she was trying to fill that void of not having a dad in her life. Of course, the majority of these girls end up in one bad relationship after another. Then, the worst happens. They start to believe that being disrespected, is away of love. I know it may be hard to understand, if you have never been there, and hard to understand why a woman can continue to stay in an abusive relationship, or continue to get in one right after another, rather its physical, emotional/verbal, or through neglect, either way none represent respect. They want so desperately to be loved by "that one guy" thinking maybe then, they can love themselves. They go to the extreme to find him, they continued to be disrespected, hoping he'll change.  

 "If you want respect, you got to learn to respect yourself." – Tom P 

Girls, hopping from guy to guy, accepting the unacceptable, and being disrespected non-stop, is not the way to find "that guy" or love. I've been brought to a point in my life, that I would rather be single, and die alone than endure the emotional distress of the hurtful things, that have been said and done to me. None of it was worth it. You have to respect yourself, to receive it. Start by doing away with the ones that disrespect you, rather its family, a "friend" or someone you maybe in an intimate relationship with. 

You may wonder why, the ones you've come across are so disrespectful, well, it is probably the same reason why you let yourself be disrespected. They were never treated with the proper respect they needed growing up, and guys have a tendency to act disrespectfully, than to sit around and be disrespected. Through their actions, and disrespect, they then develop a name for themselves, as you may have for yourself, because like you, they don't know what it feels like to be loved or accepted. This, is not an excuse for anyone who is or has treated someone in a disrespectful manner, but to let you know, that until they want to change, they won't. So don't be afraid to leave, don't keep making that same loop over and over. Albert Einstein once said "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result, is insanity." Seeking love and acceptance in the same places, over and over again, is insane!  

Don't waste your money and time on unnecessary products. Wear make-up, dress up, and be a girl, but don't do it to hide. Don't put your self through all the trouble to impress one or multiple people. If they can't except you for who you are and the way you look naturally, then what makes them worthy of being in your life? Don't sell yourself short. It hurts to be denied, but you're hurting yourself even more when you strive to be what the world wants you to be. 

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought that your appearance is what defines you? While you stay in the Cosmo magazines, for tips to be beautiful? You want find beauty in what the magazines tell you. For the young girls who strive to look like the girls in the magazines, to look like all the pop stars, where they have no flaws, no wrinkles, no zits, they look so perfect, and believable that they actually walk around looking as gorgeous as they appear in the photos. I hate to break it to you, as a photographer and graphic design artist, they do in fact have every flaw you could possibly think of. I've done many photo shoots where I've had to go into photoshop and fix that fat roll, that looks giant to the person I photographed, but in reality, isn't that bad, and to fix that zit on their face. Everyone wants to appear flawless and perfect. A goal that is impossible to reach.

It doesn't take much in the world of technology to make one perfect, but its reality that we're living in.

  Though I still love the eyelashes, hair extensions, and different hair colors, I decided it wasn't worth going through the dangers of using them. Plus, they became both time and money consuming. It wasn't worth it. I can't say I will never wear them again, from time to time, for special occasions, but the continuous sensation of feeling the need to have to wear them, or to put as much make up on as possible, just so I feel hidden from the world, was taking me nowhere. Don't be afraid, let the world see you, let them see who you really are, step out of the shell the world has molded you to be. Respect yourself, and give it back, and when it's not given back to you, remove yourself from that situation, and don't return. 

Remember, there is someone greater that loves you, accepts you and respects you. Someone who is greater than all the things the world has made you, and He looks past that. It is He who created you, He who molded you in the perfection of His creative hands, and the perfection He see's through His eyes, when looking down upon you. It is He who see's you to be worth more than one can imagine, so much He sent His son to die for you. My Granny always told me, while I cried about my insecurities, through all the years I doubted and disrespected myself with hurtful words and actions, to look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful, because God made me." I took the advice, but, it took a very long time to believe even a little bit, that I was the opposite of what this world had made me out to be.

When it came down to it,  I was my own worst enemy, I was my own hater, I was doing no better than the ones disrespecting me, because I disrespected myself, with the hurtful thoughts, I thought about myself. 

If you could only see the truth about yourself, you'd feel so much better. Fight for yourself, don't let anything less than respect be your comfort zone. Because, you are more than what this world is telling you. 

So we don't lose heart, though our outer self is wasting away, our inner 

self is being renewed day by day. - 2 Corinthians 4:16

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. - Proverbs 31:30

You are altogether beautiful, my darling, and there is no blemish in you. - Songs of Songs 4:7

If you feel you've done way to many shameful things to turn back now, your wrong. Everyday is a second chance, a chance to turn away from 

who you think you are, and become who you really are. To break away from this cruel world, and shock them. If you feel you can never be forgiven from all the shameful acts you have done, your wrong. 

"Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord. "Though your sins are scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though you they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."- Isaiah 1:18

You say lovely, I say broken

I say guilty, you say forgiven 

I feel lonely, say your with me

we both know it would change 

everything, if only I believed

the truth about me. - Mandisa